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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

—Oscar Wilde
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

—Jack Handey
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

—Jack Handey
The economy’s getting worse. Home Depot announced that they’re laying off 7,000 employees . . . which is interesting because I’ve been to Home Depot, and I didn’t even know they had employees.

—Jimmy Kimmel (27/01/2009)
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

—Jack Handey
Gov. Blagojevich is continuing on a media tour he’s doing. He was on “The View,” the “Today” show, “Good Morning America,” and his hair was on “Animal Planet.”

—Craig Ferguson (27/01/2009)
According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they’ll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it’s silly for college students to worry about whether or not they’ll be able to find a job — because the answer is no.

—Conan O'Brien (27/01/2009)
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

—Jack Handey
Al-Qaida has released a stream of verbal attacks against Obama, calling him names and saying all of his policies will end in failure. Who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?

—Jay Leno (27/01/2009)
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

—Douglas Adams
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

—Jack Handey
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

—Arnold Schwarzenegger
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

—Albert Einstein
Older Women Are So Reasonable... and bright!

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44
YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,

'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP
CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND
WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT

—Unknown
Never answer an anonymous letter.

—Yogi Berra
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

—Plato
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

—Groucho Marx
I just found out that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS.

—Anonymous
Words are cheap. The biggest thing you can say is 'elephant'.

—Charlie Chaplin
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.

—Dick Cavett

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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

—Mark Twain

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