Quote from Jack Handey

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Love animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. Do not trouble their joy, don't harass them, don't deprive them of their happiness, don't work against God's intent. Man, do not pride yourself on superiority to animals; they are without sin, and you, with your greatness, defile the earth by your appearance on it, and leave the traces of your foulness after you - alas, it is true of almost every one of us!

—Fyodor Dostoyevsky
I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality.... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.

—Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

—Groucho Marx
Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only outmatched by your zest for kung-fu treachery."

—Black Dynamite
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays.

—Henny Youngman
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

—Homer Simpson (Dan Castellaneta)
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

—Homer Simpson (Dan Castellaneta)
Damn revisionists, why can't they ever make history better? Like have us all live in Antarctica and worship the Golden Penguin? That'd be great.

—Dale Gribble
Everything I say must be understood not as an affirmation but as a question.

—Niels Bohr
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.

—Albert Einstein
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

—George Carlin
The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.

—P. J. O'Rourke
When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.

—Thomas Szasz
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

—Marilyn Pittman
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

—Oscar Levant
If a kid asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.

—Jack Handey
It has been well said that no man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when to-morrow’s burden is added to the burden of to-day, that the weight is more than a man can bear.

—George MacDonald
I like my beers cold and my homosexuals flaming.

—Homer Simpson
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.

—Daryl Stout
No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.

—John Donne

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